Monday, November 10, 2008

What I really want to be ?

I envy Sachin Tendulkar, because he does what he's passionate about.
I envy Mani Rathnam, because he does what he's passionate about.
I envy my colleague in my work place, because he does what he's does with so much of passion.
I envy my friend who's in the Indian Airforce, because he is proud of what he is, and is passionate about where he is headed...
I envy the watchman in my aparment, because he is passinate about gardening and takes care of the plants and the apartment so well, he seems to love what he does.

When, I was much younger, I wanted to be a doctor, not because of the realisation that I could save lives, but because, my uncle was one, and he was well-liked and respected by everyone in the family. 

Later, I wanted to become an engineer, because my dad was one and was well-liked and respected by everyone in the family. 

Later, I wanted to become a pilot, join the NDA, because my brother wanted to become one, and he couldn't, becuase he had an accident and was rendered medically unfit, so he wanted to make me one.  The airforce pilot tag, appealed to me. I wrote the screening test, and failed it. I was disappointed, but joined some college anyway. 

College was mighty fun. I never really re-looked at my options of joining the airforce. College got over, even before I knew it, I wanted more of it, so took up post-graduation and joined college again. Sometime in my 1st year, the idea of joining the airforce surfaced, I took up the basic 
screening test for the officers cadre and failed again. 

Later, college got over, I got placed in my first job, reality struck, it took sometime for me to digest and accept reality, but yeah, I got over it and found my job pretty cool. It sounded really cool, to even tell somebody what I was working on, that exited me. I was happy. I was learning, things were going on well. I was passionate about the technology that I was working on.

Time went by, I got another job. My next job was in a different city, I had to move out of home, for the first time, and be on my own. The indenpendence that seemed exiting in the beginning, only increased my dependence on home and mom. However, I was exited about my new job and the technology, so that kept me going.

My new job took me to a new country for a brief stint. I met a friend, through a common friend. He had an admit in Oxford, Stanford, Dale and a few other ivy league universities. He was working for the biggest investment banking firms in the world, and was going to quit and take up college. He was soft spoken and polite. I was impressed yet again, I loved his life, his routine. I wanted that MBA from an Ivy League university.

After a while, monotony creeped in, my work didn't seem to exite me anymore. I was bewildered and became withdrawn, seeing people doing things, not knowing really why they are even doing it ! I was pushed into a shell, just going about doing stuff that I was asked to.

It was during this time, that I started appreciating films and film making. I had evolved from just watching movies for the sake of entertainment, to understand the kind of impact they made on people. I watched with exitement, some films, and was in awe of few film makers. I was impressed at the kind of content they could create, the imagination, the mix of reality, the kind of visuals they were capable of creating, the emotions. It dazzled me. I wanted to be a film maker.

Then, I went through a rough phase, parted ways with someone who was a dear friend & guide. My love for films and film making and all these things that had happened in my life, took me to the next stage of believing I could make a film. I had a script. It was easy, It was my life. I thought I had a beautiful script. I wanted the real-life characters to play their parts in my film. It was easy for everybody, all they had to do was be themselves. I began to talk to them, convince them, train them, to not to be camera shy.

Friends & Family decided that I was crazy. They got worried. I approached a producer to narrate my script and the cast I had in mind. Seeing my background, he wanted to put me on a test. He wanted me to shoot on video camera, a talent search event he was doing for heros and heroins for his new film. He wanted me to bring my own camera crew, equipment, and wanted me to cover the back-stage, the feel, the pulse, the vibes of the participants, the show in general. 

I realised, he was taking me for a ride, he just wanted to cover his show on camera for free. He was interested in the footage. I never returned his phone call.

I then narrated my script to a debutant actress friend, just to get a vibe of what she felt and if I 
sounded sensible enought and if I could go any forward. She did what she could.

At the end of it all, I made some friends, rather aquaintances, which made up for interesting 
conversations & some learning about how the industry worked. It only made me realise, I wasn't getting anywhere. I have to admit, I didn't give it my best shot. I didn't try hard. After a few failures, I gave up. 

It's going to be sometime now, I am going about doing my job, going about my routine, trying to get better at what I do for a living, to learn, to grow, to evolve. I wouldn't say life is bad, but I am still searching.

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