Life.

It's funny.

The way I currently live my life, in contrast to the completely contradicting way in which I wish to live my life.

There are things I don't want to do, and then there are things, I want to do. But, I continue to
do the things that I don't want to do, and continue to 'want' doing the things, that I want to do.

Sometimes, I am organized, other times, I am cluttered.
Sometimes, I plan, other times, I just like doing it on the fly.
Sometimes, I am comfortable with a certain path ahead of me, other times, I'd think, I would
have preferred a life full of uncertainties.

Few years back, I had so much passion for what I wanted to become. Now, it's a fluctuating
feeling, sometimes, I tell myself, I can still become that if I tried hard. Other times, I question
myself, if that is really what I want to be.

Then there are other thoughts. People tell me I am good at that. Maybe, I'd be better off
doing that. Then there's this other voice telling me, but you haven't done anything yet, with
what you have. It's too early to be looking at something new.

Then, just when I start thinking about all this, I tell myself, let me think about it later. My
mind moves on, thinks about people, thinks about the past, sometimes they reflect in the form
of a smile, other times, I am just quite.

I have a few people, I know I love dearly.
I know what makes them happy.
I know what makes them sad.
Most times, I try to do things that make them happy.
Few times, I end up doing things that make them sad.
There are times, I do it on purpose. I would think I am bad. Then, I would convince myself, anybody would have done that then, and that I am normal.

I know I am a good person and I am afraid, that I also know, I am a bad person.

I know I am in love with life. I love living what life has to offer.
Sometimes, I look back and smile. Other times, I look back and go quiet.
Sometimes, I think I control 'my' life. Other times, I sit and let life take over.

There are times, I imagine, I am living life, the way I wanted to.
Most times, I realize, that I am living life, the way I am expected to.

There are times, I am convinced, I don't care what people think.
Most times, I keep thinking what others might think.

But again, that's probably life. As they say, that's life.

Someone said...

Everything is difficult only once, it gets easier from the second time onwards.

Bribe.

This incident happened yesterday to somebody I know. Let's call him N.

N and his friend were on a two-wheeler on their way to lunch. They were stopped by a cop, for routine license & registration check. Once done with the routine, the cop as usual managed to find something to pick on and demand money.

N [handing out a 20 rupee note]: Sir, we only have this much.
Cop: What!! Only 20 rupees...hmm.. where are you guys going ?
N: To have lunch sir.
Cop: Whaat maa, you are saying you are going for eating lunch...with only 20 rupees..aa...
N: No sir, for that we have coupons.
Cop: What coupons...
N: Sir, Sodexo coupons, most hotels accept coupons these days.
Cop: Oh ish it ? Where you got it ? Show me..
N [pulling out the coupon book] : Sir, our company gives us, every month. This is practiced in most companies. It's like money, works in hotels and supermarkets only for food items.
Cop [Examining the Sodexo coupon and the various denominations, pulls out four 50 rupee coupons] : hmmm....here..now go.
N: Sir...
Cop: Go maa..go maa....we usually don't accept all these coupons...but, I am letting you guys go... [shameless smile and pockets the coupons]

Virgin girl.

It's been over a year since her son went to the US. She tells the broker to look out for suitable brides who have a valid F1 or H1B status.

A proposal has come up. The horoscope's match. The girl has been learning music from Rangachary thatha from age 6, background check done, fair complexion, her father retired with enough years of service in Indian bank. To top it all off, she has a valid h1b and lives and works in Virginia.

Now mom tells her son about the proposal and tells him to go meet her.

Son is happy and worried.

He calls up his friend in Virginia.

He: Hello.
Friend: Hey dude, what's up ?
He: Mom called, a proposal has come up, girl lives and works in Virginia.
Friend: Fantastic !
He: What fantastic...wait, I still haven't seen her.
Friend: Anyway, you were planning to come down here this weekend, probably you can meet her then, get to know each other,....wat say ?
He: Ermm..yeah, I could do that...but still...
Friend: But still what...? Come meet her, talk to her, if it works, just go get married dude! Man, am so exited for you.
He: hmmm..all that sounds ok, just that...ermm...
Friend: Come on!! Just that...what ??
He: Illa, mom said, she's been in the Virginia on her own for 4 years now...
Friend: Ok, soooo ?
He: ...ermm...am just wondering if she'll be a virgin too.
...

A week later...
He meets her, and post-meeting, calls up his virginia friend.
He: Dude, I met her.
Friend: Ok, what happened ? Were you able to make of if she's still virgin ?
He: I don't know that, but she's lived alone for over a year, before that she said she's stayed with a friend.
Friend: Ok...and...
He: Besides, she's too forward with her thoughts, and way too independent.
Friend: Ohkay......and..
He: Dude, she's looking for a life partner, and am looking for a wife ! I am not entirely sure if it's gonna work between us.
Friend: hmm...watever, but you make the very term 'wife' sound like an insult.
...

3 months later...
He gets married to some naive girl who's lived all her life in Mylapore with her parents, is 20 years old, very fair, who's just passed out of college (B.Sc Home Science), cooks very well, knows stiching, finished computer course in CSC, is learning barathanatiyam, has done her arengetram and is still a virgin.

Which kind are you ?

There are different kinds of people. Largely, they fall into the following two categories.
1. One who listens to the heart.
2. One who listens to the mind.

and then there's a third kind, One who is confused between the two.

I have friends who are emotionally controlled and I have other friends who have no emotions, no wait..who have emotions but know how to control them and move on for all practical reasons.

Somehow, sometimes, I feel the latter are much better off and lead a happier life, coz., they don't end up getting hurt too often. Other times, I feel they aren't living their lives fully. They don't get to live the joys and sorrows of being a true friend, of being in love.

On the other hand, the emotional ones, live life, love, make merry, break down and get hurt when relationships go sour, take time to recover, but again continue to live life to the fullest.

Where do people strike an equal balance ?

I wonder.

Weird Urge.

I usually take the elevator to reach my floor at work (the 8th floor). Few many times, I am the last person getting out in my floor. I sometimes, have this urge to press the buttons 7,6,5,4,3,2,1,0 and -1, and get off, so that the empty lift continues it's journey to stop in each floor until -1, before it starts responding to user requests.

Now why do I have such an urge ? What do I gain out of doing this ?

Nothing !

But what do I end up doing inturn,

Cause some inconvenience in holding up the lift. (Anyway, there are 5 other lifts, so what the heck?)

Imagine if it's during an odd time when there aren't frequent movement of people, the security in each floor sitting at the reception will know that the lift stopped, the door opened, but nobody got out. Also, quite silly that the lift stopped here coz., there's nobody outside who pressed the button (requested for the lift).

Imagine if this happened more or less on a near daily basis at a consistent time. The security is either going to be dumb and not take notice, or take notice and dismiss it or take notice and get worried.

Now that'll be fun.

Totally weird.

Fear or common sense ?

It was 11:30 in the night. I decided to take a stroll and flex a bit.

As I was walking down a lane near home, which happened to have a deserted lake at the other end, (the approach closer to the lake gets deserted) I noticed a car parked towards the end of the lane, with the tail lights on. It was dark and I guess the car had tinted glasses, whatever, I couldn't make out people inside the car.

Maybe, it was just harmless lovers, or just somebody who'd pulled over to take a leak. I dismissed the thought and continued to walk. I got closer and closer and still the car remained 'as is', tail lights on, no movement, all quiet. I began to think, what if it was a bunch of bad guys, who'd get out and mug me or something.

That thought just kept growing and I was reminded of how my friend got mugged in a lonely road a few years back and all the blah, basically none of my thoughts were helping me walk ahead and cross that car and trot off.

I stopped for a moment weighing the situation and decided to turn around and walk in the other direction, leaving the mystery car behind me.

As I walked away, I was trying to figure out if what I did was out of fear or plain common sense ?

Speed.

In my work campus, there are 3 speed breakers (really small fiber or rubber ones) from the entrance to the parking lot.

I usually don't slow down for the speed breakers, coz., they are extremely annoying, I just drive over in my usual speed maybe 50 or 60 kph.

Today as I did like I always do, a bunch of people walking that side(supposedly building admin), came running towards me. I was alarmed thinking I hit something.

So I got off and asked 'what happened' ?

The convo went something like this

Admin guy: [rude tone]"Is this the way you drive ? what happens if something had happened? This is not the national highway, this is company property !"

Me: [pissed from the way he spoke]"I understand that this is not a highway, but did anything happen in the first place ? Cut out the What if's and But if's !"

Admin guy: "Give me your id. card first"

Me: "Why ?"

Admin guy: [to the security standing next to him, managing to see my company name ]: "Note down his company name and send an e-mail"

It got over in a few seconds followed by a couple of dialoges in a rude tone. I know I won't get an e-mail, not that it'll matter a lot even if I did.

I realized I was driving fast for that place, I kinda like it to drive fast and make those quick turns. [ok, ok, I do realize this is not a racing track, but obviously just to make a few fast turns, you don't expect me to locate a racing track, pay an obscene amount of money and go make a few fast turns.Also, I know I am not racing material, just the occasional adrenaline rush, I suppose.]

But, the way in which those guys came running towards me, and the way that guy spoke to me asking for my id. et. all, I was just rude back to him. Didn't feel like apologizing or anything.

As I walked away, I felt a little bad. Why ?

Destination US of A.

You are told that you are going to be transferred to US office and that you will have to start working from there.

You get the usual excitement just like everybody, new place, new people, new culture, (prospectively) better life style, better money (when converted in rupees), you can now afford that apartment that you'd always wanted. You can send a decent bundle of money home every month from now onwards, you can bring your parents and keep them with you for 6 months and show them around etc etc...

On the other hand, you are the only one, to your parents now, your brother's already in the US. Your dad's already had a bypass surgery. You consiously know that old age is creeping in and health is deteriorating. They are slowly becoming immobile, travelling to a relatives wedding in a neighbouring town, or taking an auto to go visit a doctor is a task by itself, @ this age.

However, you sit and talk with mom and dad, they want you to go, take up the opportunity, they don't want to spoil your career and become a burden, also they want to be proud and tell other people that their little one has also made it to the US of A.

You finally make the decision to go, thinking you'll make some money and then get back in a couple of years.

After 6 years...

You are in a good job, own a house, a car, have brought your parents and toured them around.

Your parents are managing back in India, making regular visits to the doctor and back, doting on you wondering when you'll make that vacation plan and be with them for 3 weeks.

Then you get a call from a friend, saying that his dad passed away in a heart attack and that he has to travel back to India immediately. You console him, give him strength and tell him to take care.

Now you sit and think...what if the same thing happens to me?

What if I were in the same position?

Should I not be with my family when they need me?
Should I not be there to take them to the hospital, when they are ill?
Should I not be there to do the chores, pay bills etc...?
Should I not be around with mom and dad, to just spend time with them, laze around on that Saturday morning with mom shouting from the kitchen calling out to me to wake me up ?
Should I not be there to just sit with dad and listen to him talk about the stock market and politics?
Should I not be around to just listen to mom's problems and complaints about dad?
Should I not be there around for mom and dad?

Now you miss all of that and want those days back. You think, ok, whatever time is left, I should be with them at least during these times.

Then you think of your job, how much money you are making, and the EMI's you are paying every month, both back in India and here in the US.

You tell yourself, don’t worry too much, nothing will happen! But you've consciously accepted that someday, you'll get that call...and you'll have to take that flight.

That's life!

How many people...

...have the habit of wiping their hands under the seat after eating a piece of cake or sweets.

I just did.

It's normal practice that folk bring sweets when they are back from their hometown and cut cakes for somebody's birthday. A colleague just walked upto me and offered a piece of black forest cake, I took it with the help of my thumb and fore finger and tossed it into my mouth and relished it.

Now my hands were soiled, soiled as in not completely, but still you have that feeling in your fingers, automatically my hands went under my seat and voila...simple and easy. While I could have got up and walked up to the restroom at the other end of the floor.

Many a times people do it subconsciously, they don't even realise it. Today I did and will try to consciously remember not to do it again :)

How my thoughts wander.

This is how fast my mind changes context. Actually I have been trying to install a tool, and realised that one of the help documents was in French, I had a colleague who hails from France to translate it for me.

I really appreciate his time, coz., it's definetly a lot of work sitting down and patiently translating it for me.

Here I am reading thru the doc, and trying out some stuff (It on a Virtual Linux box, I am running on my PC) and facing some issues, so I am googling out to figure it out, and here's how my thoughts go

--> ahh damn, I need to get this working, it's already been 3 weeks now.
--> Wow this Linux virtual box, is super cool
--> Ahh Darwin, was such a wizz at Linux...it's been close to a year since I'v mailed him or spoken to him.
--> I shud write to him about this Linux box, telling him how it reminded me of him...and re-establish contacts, it'll be good to talk to him, also now that I hear he's engaged and all that.
--> I immediately login to gmail to compose an e-mail.
--> Next moment, I am smiling reading a reply sitting in my inbox, which I got from a friend, and typing out a reply.
--> Then I suddenly realise, how all I am wasting my time, and that I should get back to my tool and logout of gmail.
--> Close the window
--> Come back to my tool.
--> Realise I have to blog about it.
--> Open notepad, and start typing away.
--> Posting it here.

Weird, seriously, I know !

Phone flavour.

Your phone rings
You pick up to see who's calling
You don't answer
You keep watching as the caller tries again and again
You still don't answer
You have a satisfaction, as though the wronged has been punished.
After a while, you look at your phone

You are quite & worried, wishing for the phone to ring again.

Vadas and the guilt that follow.

An evening at work, you are not actually hungry, but you think to yourself, ok, i'll just go and get myself some orbit, the mint will get me all fresh.

You go to the cafeteria, and decide to just walk around the counters to see wat they got ?

You see the fresh crispy vada's and automatically say ' 1 plate vada please'

You relish the hot, crispy vada with sambhar and chutney and top it off with coffee.

As you walk back to your desk, you are filled with guilt, thinking about the diet you just broke, but you begin to tell yourself, yet another time, from tommorow onwards...

Don't know what to call it.

There is someone, you think you don't care about.
But, he just keeps appearing in your thoughts, and the memories keep coming back.
You think of the sweet moments, other times, you just think of the bad times, when you'v felt hurt.

Now it's been so long, you don't even remember many of the things that happened. You're just left with the bitter taste that lingers.

But even now, you wonder...
Does he think of me, like the way I do ?
Does he remember the old times, like the way I do ?
Does he feel bad about the things that happened, like the way I do ?
Is he happy ?

You feel sad, when something unfortunate happes to him.
You don't feel happy either, when something fortunate happens to him.

Sometimes, You wonder if you are good ?
Sometimes, You declare you are bad.

Othertimes, you just continue to wonder.

Whatever do you call this feeling ?

Liked the lyrics. Yet to listen to it.

My Immortal - Evanecence

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

Feeling good.

For some reason, I am feeling good ! Listening to a sequence of random songs that I like. Got a nice long shower. I am liking it :)

A quote.

“Confidence can’t be granted. It comes from setting challenges and then surmounting them”

That’s not entirely accurate though. Truly confident people are confident at all times, even in areas they have no experience in.

Maybe confidence is when no one can really make you feel bad about yourself. No words will bring you down. You could receive a thousand insults, and you wouldn’t bat an eye. You could get fired, and you’d just calmly send out your resume.