Discovering thy self.

Ok here's something I consciously want to do,

I am going to identify the patterns, of when I am happy and when I am sad, when I am going through intense emotions or when I don't emote at all.

What gets me there, in the sense what makes me happy, what makes me sad, what really drives me ?

I know these things to a certain extent, but I do a lot of stuff subconciously. So I am going to take note and keep track. No particular goals, I would say this is just a start in the journey of discovering myself. 

Wow, now, I sound philosophical. 

Ok, on that note, here's a few things that made me happy and sad.

->  I lost 27 kilos in the last 6 months. But that's not enough, I still need to lose 7 more kilos to reach my ideal weight. Now, that's happy. It gives me confidence in a lot of ways. 

-> I didn't clear the certification, that I took up for the 3rd consequtive time, no actually 4th I think. It's not a very difficult test, just tricky with negative marking and all that. I didn't put in enough effort. I felt a little bad about myself, for wasting a lot of time and rushing in at the last minute. But I did learn quite a bit and decided not to take up the certification again ;)

-> I read 2 books, though I did take a lot of time, I managed to complete them. I enjoyed reading them. That made me happy.

-> Every visit to home, where I meet up with the boys and V, gives me immense happiness, can't

explain in words. My wife A feels why I don't feel that way about her these days ! I keep telling her, darling, we live together, I can't be exited all the time, but with the boys and V it's different, I meet them once in a while. It's like I have this blood gush in my body, as I get closer to V's place, till the moment I see him, the 2 or 3 days I spend there with them is electric !

-> I'v taken up acting, yes, I'v joined an acting workshop, with a production group who specailise in English theatre. Now, that's a lot of fun. I am learning a lot. The peer interaction is brilliant. I am enjoying it totally.

Ok, that's for now, will write, as and when life happens :)

Can I get a little water please ?

Ok, for the sake of this post, both wifey dear and I are working and infact, there are times when she has to put in longer hours at work. Apart from this she makes my breakfast every day.

Now, I am a person who hurries up with my breakfast. 

Now, I eat very fast, atleast my breakfast, that's the way I do, so 4 or 5 spoons down my throat, I'll be close to choaking and will need water. Now there isn't always water on the table alongwith breakfast.

So, I had a request to make. I said something like, "I know you are already taking care of work and also the cooking part, which is already a lot, I don't mean to burden you more, but I have a request to make. It would be great if you could keep a half bottle of water so that I don't have to run to the water dispenser when I have food stuck through my food passage and need water to wash it down." Ofcourse, I did add, words like kanna, thangam in between.

She comes back instantly with something like, "It's all about sharing work and things would be a lot easier if we could share work." And she also went on to press, "In the west, you don't even have housemaids, people have to get all the work done on their own."

Now, that upset me. I was not even demanding and am remotely close to a chauvinistic male partner. I don't cook, nor do I help in the kitchen. But, am definitely not the kind who guzzles beer and sleeps on the couch, watching cricket !

Also, clearly she likes to take care of the kitchen work on her own, doesn't expect me to help around in the kitchen or cook even.

All that I asked her was for some water along with breakfast. So, as usual, it went on a downward spiral, like any argument would take.

Well, it didn't end up quite nice. 

Now, question is, was it too much to ask, for some water ? 

Smiling on the highway.

Last week, I was riding back on my faithful Royal Enfied Bullet from a neighbouring state, solo. It is a great feeling to be riding on the highway, gives me a great high. The steady thump of my bullet always in the background overpowering the music that are already plugged into my ears. 

When I open my visor, the wind gushing through the helmet onto my face. Lost in thoughts, sometimes pensive. Sometimes, the brilliant feeling of warmth, when I imagine so many good things or even as I reminisce the past. 

This time around, I saw this really really huge truckers, carrying 'windmill blades'. I'v never seen something that monsterous in length in person. Wanted to pull over and take a picture, but I knew I wasn't carrying the right gear for that.

As I overtook the trucker, I turned around quickly and lifted my visor and looked at him, manning the wheel. He looked back, I smiled and waved out, and instaneously a big smile broke out on his face, as he waved back in all happiness and vigour.

Now, I liked that, and I was smiling to myself as I rode on. 

ID Card.

Everyday, I flash my id. card to this security guard at my work entrance and over a period of time, it's like we know each other personally. That familiar nod and acknowledgement has definitely become routine.

However, he still makes it a point to ask me to flash my id. card, which I also do, knowing fully well that it's his duty. Though, I might claim not, I think somewhere in the back of my mind, I was mildly annoyed that he insisted on seeing my ID card every single day.

This morning as, I pulled out my ID card to show him, he came close and gently whispered in my ear ' Sir, Security camera hai, isi lea, galath math manoo' {There's a security camera, that's why, don't mistake me} and flashed a big broad smile, back at me :)

I liked that.

Project Manager.

I am part of this mailing list, of which my manager is part of too. There was an e-mail asking whoever had a device with a specific serial number to respond. I read it, checked the devices we had, and didn't respond because we didn't own the device with that particular serial number.

Now, 10 mins later, I see the same e-mail in my inbox again, this time around, forwarded by my project manager, asking me if we had the device with that serial number. I replied, No. 

Now, the point is, he sits right next to me !!, all he had to do was, turn around, and ask me if I had checked. But, he felt comfortable e-mailing me instead, sitting not even a foot away from me ?

Now, this leaves me thinking, does he have to re-confirm to himself that he is manager(who sits right next to me), by e-mailing me and asking ? rather than trusting me that I'd have responded if we had it in the first place ! or is it technology has him spoilt so much, that he'd rather write than talk.

Whatever, it annoys me, when managers take so much interest in following up with trivial things, rather than try to provide solutions and follow-up with things that really demand it.

One day in the life of Niniane Wang.

Niniane currently works as an Engineering manager for Google. This was when she was working as a developer as part of the Google Desktop product. You can read more fun stuff here.

March 2004

One day, we are sitting at lunch, and I'm eating a slice of chocolate pecan pie.

Me: Pie is so great! If I had pie every day for the rest of my life, I would be a happy person.

Steve: If you fix all of your bugs, I will give you one thousand pies.

Me: Don't make promises you can't keep, Steve.

Steve: Hm, yes, I should restate. If you fix all of your bugs by tomorrow, I will give you one thousand pies. Wait, how much do pies cost?

Me: 10, 15 bucks.

Steve: [does some mental computations] Ten pies. If you fix all of your bugs by tomorrow, I'll give you ten pies.

Me: Oh really?

Steve: [slightly concerned] How many bugs do you have?

Me: Fifteen.

Steve: [confidently] Yes, ten pies.

Me: Okay, you're on.

Chris: Wait, now, it shouldn't be all-or-nothing. We should say that if Niniane fixes 5 bugs in one day, you give her 1 pie. 10 bugs, 2 pies. All 15, then you give her 10 pies.

Steve and me: Okay, that sounds reasonable.

Omar: What about new bugs that come in?

Steve: Those don't count.

Me: Okay, it's 1pm right now. The bet ends at 1pm tomorrow. Let's shake on it. [shake hands with Steve] Okay, I'll see you guys later! I have some bugs to fix!

I dash off. The next 24 hours are a steady progression of bug fixing. By dinnertime (8pm), I've fixed about 6 bugs. A few of us are discussing the bet.

Chris: You should fix the easy ones first, so that you can be guaranteed 2 pies.

Me: No, I should fix the hard ones first, when I'm not as tired.

Chris: Oho! That must mean you're going for all 10 pies!

Everyone begins to leave work. By 2am, I am the only person left. From 4am to 7am, I took a nap in the massage room down the hall. When I emerge, bleary-eyed, Steve is already back at work and shocked to find me.

Steve: Niniane! You're here so early!

Me: No, I didn't leave. Don't you see I'm wearing the same clothes?

Steve: [looks at the bug count] Oh no! I better take longer to do the code reviews!

By noon, I'd fixed all 15 bugs. Two new "non-pie" bugs had come in during the 24 hours, and I fixed them too for good measure, for a total of 17 by 12:50pm.

Steve had a graph that tracked everyone's bug count over time. Because it didn't handle the case where the bug count is 0, my graph line disappeared from the chart. So the next bug fix immediately following the bet was from Steve, to fix his script to handle 0.

Over the next months, Steve bought me a number of pies:

Pie #1: berry	#2: apple	#3: pumpkin	#4: custard	#5: pumpkin for Hallowen

Breakup.

A breakup or a divorce doesn't always have to be between a man and a woman. A break up also happens between friends. 

Sometimes, it turns out to be so difficult to get over the relationship, the friendship, the warmth, the love, the affection, that you once shared for each other. Sometimes, there's guilt, and then there's hate. 

The thoughts don't go away. It keeps haunting you, sometimes, the good memories surface and you smile, but eventually it makes you sad, thinking it had to turn out this way. The bad memories makes it all the more numb. It brings about this I don't care, I don't want to see anyone, I don't want to do anything, I don't want to talk to anyone attitude. 

You know very well, it's not the right feeling, that you have to get over it, move on, you know very well, you have a life to live and want to do exactly that. But somehow, invariably you do otherwise. 

You think, It's sad it had to turn out this way. You try to introspect. You wonder why ? Who was responsible ? Was it me or was it otherwise ? Nothing helps. The numbness comes back.

You come to learn, that the friend has moved on, and seems to be leading a peaceful, normal life, maybe even forgotten you completely. Now should this affect you ? Yes, it does. You wonder why ? Why ? 

It's going to be a good few years now. You have to move on. You think, time will heal, or atleast time will help reduce the pain. But how much more time ? 

The mire of inconsistent feelings and emotions, keep coming back. You try to fight it. You will.